Gnawing on a piggy bottom – #atozchallenge

A few weeks ago I started looking for a new job and the Scotsman started looking for a new house. Yesterday while I was at work, he sent me an internet-link to a pretty, neat three bedroom house and in the evening we talked about moving. Well, that’s not accurate, we actually talked about living in the house. Well, I say living in it…

Me: I like the house you showed me.

The Scotsman: Ya?

Me: Ya, although the kitchen looked a bit late eighties.

The Scotsman: I could live with that.

Me: Yes, me too. Because the house totally comes with a pool.

The Scotsman: And a garden.

Me: Yes, but mostly a pool.

The Scotsman: Yes, but the garden means we could get a dog.

He had my full attention: I’m listening.

The Scotsman: It could chillax in the garden all day but I suppose it would still be a bit lonely.

Me: Then we have to get two dogs.

The Scotsman: What just happened? We went from zero dogs to two dogs in less than three seconds.

Me: Or we could get one dog and one of those tiny asian pigs. That would be awesome. Until the day when I accidently forget to feed the dog in the morning and then I come home from work, finding the dog gnawing off the tail of my little pig. You know, full on butt-in-mouth-action and then the dog would look at me with that guilty face dogs sometimes get when they’ve been made as the ones who made the air stink with their meaty farts.

The Scotsman: …

Me: What?…What?!

The Scotsman: I just realised that our imagined dog apparently farts a lot and half ate our imagined piggy in a house that we imagine living in.

Me: Ya, we should so call that number in the ad.

The Scotsman: Just don’t mention that you want to bring pigs.

Me: Pig. Singular. And it’s going to be tiny.

The Scotsman: Apparently it’s still big enough to be mistaken for a personal bacon supply by the dog.


This would be my tiny pig – thinking it’s a cow. That’s so me… found on


PS. When you google “tiny asian pig” there’s some weird stuff going on. I’m looking at you, pinterest: 

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What do you froggin’ want? I’m adorable.

PPS. The Scotsman would rather have a turtle called ‘Aris’ because he thinks this would be the most perfect philosopher’s pet. Aris Turtle.