The never-ever-not-in-a-million-years booklist

image by Stuart Miles/

image by Stuart Miles/

Inspired by the wonderful and witty John Guillen,  I made a list of books that I’m never going to read, ever. Yes, this blog post is about indulging myself in sweet sweet prejudices. Let me have this, it’s one of the few luxuries I can afford in life – the freedom to pick my own reading. Or, as we say here where I live: My opinion is settled, please don’t get me all confused with facts.

  • Anything with Orks, Elves and Dwarfs that is NOT Lord of the Rings: I’m sorry, I’m sorry what? You had this idea long time before the Lord of the RIngs-movies came out? Good on you, but since you don’t look like you’re more than 150 years old, you didn’t have the idea before Tolkien had it. Boom! Keep your copycat stuff.
  • Any book written by a Russian author: I’m terribly sorry, I tried. I really did. But come on, half of the characters have the same names, 150 pages in and there is nothing happening whatsoever and I simply have no idea of Russian culture or traditions or history. So I understand basically nothing. I like to read novels with stories that I can follow without drawing a family tree on a sheet of paper, including notes about on which plot line who of them got betrayed and killed (not necessarily in that order).
  • Any Discworld book: I can’t, I just can’t. I know that many many people love those books (including my Scotsman) and I tried to read The Colours of Magic. Twice. Made it to page 80 the second time and then gave it away to somebody who was able to appreciate it. It’s just too much and too many. Too many weird characters, too much crazy stuff happening, too many made up words, too many books in the series.
  • 50 Shades of Grey: Because, if you want to read about SM, get the real stuff. Read some de Sade. Take a break though, before you throw up.
  • The Twilight Saga: Erhm, yeah, well. The Vampire: Archetype, interesting species. Good. The Twilight-Vampire: Non-scary vampires. Sparkling in the sunlight. Vegetarians because ethics and stuff. What? I mean, you don’t have to hop on the classic Dracula train, but have you kids ever heard of Anne Rice? Interview with a Vampire – those were scary and yet sexy beasts. To be honest, even The Little Vampire was scarier (and way cooler) than Twilight ever will be.

Fitting break:

  • Any book from a series whose original author already died (like the Bourne novels). To me, this somehow feels like stealing from a dead person. I guess you can also see it as paying tribute but I’d rather go with the originals and not have new stories about this particular character, thank you.
  • Any book by Stephen King except The Girl who loved Tom Gordon because this is the only novel that still let me sleep after I’ve read it. I know that King stories are not healthy for me because I’ve read one of his short stories out of Night Shift, and I still have to switch the light on when I wake up in the middle of the night because I don’t like lying in the dark. And all my closet doors have to be shut because I don’t like it when they’re open even the tiniest bit. Really, really don’t like it. So I’d rather slap my thumb with a hammer on purpose before I read Cujo or IT or Misery or Tommyknockers and whatnot.